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Whether or not it has happened to you or you had to do it yourself, having a BM or GM drop out of your bridal party can never be a pleasant experience. Done properly or in enough time to replace them (or not) it can never be easy to swallow when you hear it or if you have had to do it...you probably had some Tums beforehand.
First things first, whenever someone asks you to be in their wedding they are honoring you in saying that you mean a lot to them and want you to not only be a guest but be apart of the actual day. So when she or he asks you, if you are not 100% positive you can commit to this, take a step back and simply say something like "Wow, thank you so much for asking. I'd love to say 'yes' but do you mind if I take a day or so and review personal stuff (i.e. finances, schedule or general interest) and think about it? I'd hate to say 'no' and then back out." This works if say you are unemployed, have a crazy work schedule, or actually getting married yourself. Speaking from the perspective of getting married and being in a wedding at the same time...it can get crazy and overwhelming.
So you eventually say 'yes' and the talk begins about dresses, showers, bachelorette parties and prices. Plans start flying at you and you realize how time consuming this all can be and that you cannot accommodate all these new plans into your schedule. Hopefully, you've figured this out a good amount of time away from the wedding -- because anything less than 4 or 5 months can be a little stressful. Dropping out after things like a ordering a dress or money submitted for a shower can result in a loss of money for you or become a pain to get the money back.
Depending on the length of engagement, a bridal party member will be asked probably 6 months to a year prior -- groomsmen may be asked later because let's be honest...it takes 20 minutes to get fitted for a tuxedo.
Being honest with yourself and whether or not you can be a member of the bridal party early on will be best, because you will give the bride enough time to possibly ask someone else to take your place...or if she doesn't - it will give the other bridesmaids time to readjust the amount each owes for a variety of things.
Anyway you slice it - dropping out a wedding can never be easy-- hopefully, if you are thinking of doing so, these below tips can help you because speaking from the side of a bride who had someone drop out via text -- it's never something easy to swallow.
Tips:
(1) NEVER send a text, email or social networking site (i.e. Facebook) message. This is a person who is clearly important in your life and they deserve better. A simple message or a one-line text message can be misconstrued and often leaves the bride hurt and confused.
Exception: if you live far away or your schedules never match to make a phone call or personal visit, an email can be okay as long as you explain yourself and leave no room for the bride to be wondering why.
(2) If you live too far away (an hour+) or your schedules can never match up, make a phone call. Ask the bride if she has sometime to talk and explain yourself...or if you leave a voice mail say it's important and to call you back...don't drop out over voice mail...that's just cowardly.
(3) The best way I personally believe to do it is in person. Dropping out of someone's wedding can affect your relationship for years to come...if you do it properly the outcome can be so much better. It shows that you are giving some effort to let this person know that you care about them a great deal but that being a bridesmaid cannot fit into your life right now. Sure, the bride will be hurt but if she's your friend...she will understand.
(4) No matter how you do it, make sure to be honest and to try and plan ahead what you are going to say. If the real truth is that you are dropping out because the shower and bachelorette party prices are out of control or that you think she is being a bridezilla and can't stand it anymore, it can seriously affect the future of your relationship. Maybe write a few points down so you can stick to the topic.
One last tip for the bride (or groom): If someone does drop out of your wedding - let them. It can be tough to deal with it in the beginning, but ultimately you will see it will be for the better of your bridal party. Perhaps they will flake on the shower money - or be a pain to deal with on the actual day of the wedding - whatever the reason, you always want someone who will be in your wedding 100%. Also, if they give you a reason and talk to you about it, leave it at that. If you have serious questions about why they are dropping out confront them in person and be calm about it. Remember: they were being brave by coming to you...you may be hurt, but imagine what they are going through. So unless it is a serious issue you have, it's best to just let it go and move on.
Abbreviation Breakdown:
BM(s) - bridesmaid(s)
GM(s) - groomsman/men
MOH - maid/matron of honor
BMan - best man
FOB - father of the bride
FOG - father of the groom
MOB - mother of the bride
MOG - mother of the groom
STD - save-the-date(s)
---
Got something you want to read about or a question about a situation you're in the middle of and need an honest answer? Feel free to email me at BeforeIDo@haleymadisonmag.com with the appropriate subject line, even if I don't write about it I promise I will get back to you one way or another!
Follow this column on Twitter > @BeforeIDo_HMM
Follow me > @saraxj
First things first, whenever someone asks you to be in their wedding they are honoring you in saying that you mean a lot to them and want you to not only be a guest but be apart of the actual day. So when she or he asks you, if you are not 100% positive you can commit to this, take a step back and simply say something like "Wow, thank you so much for asking. I'd love to say 'yes' but do you mind if I take a day or so and review personal stuff (i.e. finances, schedule or general interest) and think about it? I'd hate to say 'no' and then back out." This works if say you are unemployed, have a crazy work schedule, or actually getting married yourself. Speaking from the perspective of getting married and being in a wedding at the same time...it can get crazy and overwhelming.
So you eventually say 'yes' and the talk begins about dresses, showers, bachelorette parties and prices. Plans start flying at you and you realize how time consuming this all can be and that you cannot accommodate all these new plans into your schedule. Hopefully, you've figured this out a good amount of time away from the wedding -- because anything less than 4 or 5 months can be a little stressful. Dropping out after things like a ordering a dress or money submitted for a shower can result in a loss of money for you or become a pain to get the money back.
Depending on the length of engagement, a bridal party member will be asked probably 6 months to a year prior -- groomsmen may be asked later because let's be honest...it takes 20 minutes to get fitted for a tuxedo.
Being honest with yourself and whether or not you can be a member of the bridal party early on will be best, because you will give the bride enough time to possibly ask someone else to take your place...or if she doesn't - it will give the other bridesmaids time to readjust the amount each owes for a variety of things.
Anyway you slice it - dropping out a wedding can never be easy-- hopefully, if you are thinking of doing so, these below tips can help you because speaking from the side of a bride who had someone drop out via text -- it's never something easy to swallow.
Tips:
(1) NEVER send a text, email or social networking site (i.e. Facebook) message. This is a person who is clearly important in your life and they deserve better. A simple message or a one-line text message can be misconstrued and often leaves the bride hurt and confused.
Exception: if you live far away or your schedules never match to make a phone call or personal visit, an email can be okay as long as you explain yourself and leave no room for the bride to be wondering why.
(2) If you live too far away (an hour+) or your schedules can never match up, make a phone call. Ask the bride if she has sometime to talk and explain yourself...or if you leave a voice mail say it's important and to call you back...don't drop out over voice mail...that's just cowardly.
(3) The best way I personally believe to do it is in person. Dropping out of someone's wedding can affect your relationship for years to come...if you do it properly the outcome can be so much better. It shows that you are giving some effort to let this person know that you care about them a great deal but that being a bridesmaid cannot fit into your life right now. Sure, the bride will be hurt but if she's your friend...she will understand.
(4) No matter how you do it, make sure to be honest and to try and plan ahead what you are going to say. If the real truth is that you are dropping out because the shower and bachelorette party prices are out of control or that you think she is being a bridezilla and can't stand it anymore, it can seriously affect the future of your relationship. Maybe write a few points down so you can stick to the topic.
One last tip for the bride (or groom): If someone does drop out of your wedding - let them. It can be tough to deal with it in the beginning, but ultimately you will see it will be for the better of your bridal party. Perhaps they will flake on the shower money - or be a pain to deal with on the actual day of the wedding - whatever the reason, you always want someone who will be in your wedding 100%. Also, if they give you a reason and talk to you about it, leave it at that. If you have serious questions about why they are dropping out confront them in person and be calm about it. Remember: they were being brave by coming to you...you may be hurt, but imagine what they are going through. So unless it is a serious issue you have, it's best to just let it go and move on.
Abbreviation Breakdown:
BM(s) - bridesmaid(s)
GM(s) - groomsman/men
MOH - maid/matron of honor
BMan - best man
FOB - father of the bride
FOG - father of the groom
MOB - mother of the bride
MOG - mother of the groom
STD - save-the-date(s)
---
Got something you want to read about or a question about a situation you're in the middle of and need an honest answer? Feel free to email me at BeforeIDo@haleymadisonmag.com with the appropriate subject line, even if I don't write about it I promise I will get back to you one way or another!
Follow this column on Twitter > @BeforeIDo_HMM
Follow me > @saraxj
MARCH-- The Drop-Out
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By: Sara J Gamble
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